Roller coaster

My mind is screaming at me to get off this ride.  For 7 months I have had non stop pain, worry, heartache, bad days, good days, really bad days, doctor appointments, CT scans, blood draws, and bills. This period of my life has been difficult at best. It seems to always be a balancing act with my body. A lot of "We can't try this because of this." There have been days where I thought my physical pain would never end and days where I am uplifted and carried. Days more recently have brought me to my knees in pain and exhaustion. That combo is my mortal enemy. I try to do the things I know I need to do but all the while I am breaking with each step I take. It's hour by hour. Task by task. But this day, mercifully has brought some helpful knowledge, a plan and reassurance. It has also brought me one of my most unique experiences to date. All I can say is that I am blown away at what my body has to say. I mean really has to say. She is honest and she does not hold back, my body that is. I love her. She is bold. She said it straight. I like her. There are things my spirit needs to address and then my body will follow in it's healing. Things I have let go and things that I need to start accepting, like unconditional love. Wow. Deep. Not to mention the fact that angels are around me and are literally touching and healing my heart as I type this. I am in a place that I did not know I could be. I am thankful that this day was not as painful or as exhausting. I do know that I am being looked after here and there. There is beauty in this struggle. It is in the pain of absolute devastation and in the way I am picked up after. It is in the mornings that I can get out of bed and do what needs to be done. It is in the joy of seeing the sun peaking over the mountains. It is in the kind voices of family, doctors, healers, spirits, and HIM. It is in the really wonderful times dancing in the kitchen. All of it is beauty. I am listening to myself. She is a good egg. She needs to be heard.

Water

Water is healing. Water is healing. I knew where I needed to go. I started filling the tub with hot water. I poured too much coconut bubble bath in the water. I needed the lovely smell and the sweet bubbles. The sound of the water hitting the tub instantly calmed me and soon I was sitting in the delicious water. The moment my skin touched the hot water I felt warm deep down to my bones. I love that first wonderful dip when you get goose bumps and a big sigh escapes your lips. The water was consuming me and I let it. I laid down and put my head and ears under the water. The world vanished. It was just the water and me. My mind full of what if's and what now's slowed. I stayed and stayed. I love the water. The sound. The change you feel when you are done. The feel. My heart needed to say a few things. I was carrying around too much. So I talked and cried to people that are no longer here. They listened and understood. I needed their help. Prayers are humbling and always being said in my heart. The water was drained, clean clothes put on, and people kissed goodnight. I drifted off feeling warm and feeling that I had my answer to that prayer in the water.

The first

This is beautiful. I curled up on my mom's couch with a blanket and a little dog that would visit just long enough to lick my ears and nose. I listened to the conversations around me. Those familiar voices. My family. My husband, daughter, sisters, brother, mom, sister-in-law, Dear W, Dear C, and little Lola.  Those threads of conversations and connections must be brilliant shades of life. We have something that is unyielding to the world. We are deep rooted. I love listening to the laughing and the hushed tones. Maddie was presented with a pile of dresses from me and my sister's teenage years. She found a red number that made her twirl and sparkle. We gasped and smiled. She is growing up. She is lovely. We watched the Oscars. We all love the movies and we love to get lost in them. Our favorite Aussie did not win for best actor, but we could hardly argue with Mr. Lincoln. When it was time to go, we were hugged and kissed. The ride was cold. We listened to music and I watched the world go by. The yellow lines on the road, the snowy mountains bathed and lit up by the moon, and the city lights. My bed was perfect. I did not feel perfect, but that is ok. I have had a hard time lately with physical challenges. It has effected my mood, but tonight are times when I can look around and know that I am a lucky one. These nights are simple and perfect.