Beloved

This post is unexpected but I guess it started brewing this afternoon. It's hot in my house, all the windows are open and fans are on. Everyone is sleeping. In an effort to cool the house down a little more I opened the deck door. Cool crisp air flowed in. I sat down on the carpet with my feet outside on the deck. Half in, half out. This is where she used to sit. She used to watch the world here. Everyday. Of course I am talking about our family pet Darla who passed away 2 years ago from cancer. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I say this post started brewing this afternoon because there is another beloved family pet that will soon be gone from us. This one is my Mom's. He is sweet and aloof. What a guy! Feelings came back to me about how hard it is to say goodbye to our companions. I felt myself on that cliff that is deep and bottomless. So tonight as I was sitting half in and half out of the deck, my thoughts drifted to Darla. My chest tightened and tears spilled over my cheeks. I found myself thinking of her unconditional love and devotion to us. She was sweet and transparent. You could always see what she was feeling. She felt everything we felt, joy, playfulness, pain, sadness, love. Always love. I like to close my eyes and think of her face, her expressive little face. Her eyes were an amber fire. She healed us when we were sick. She wiggled and smiled when she saw us. She climbed and walked with us. She played games and nibbled at gingerbread houses. She protected us and taught us what love really means. She was my near constant companion. She would come check on me if I was in a different part of the house. We would talk to each other with words and without. Every morning she would come to my side of the bed and wait for me to look at her. As soon as I would she would wiggle and snort. Her front paws would always find their way up on the bed pinning me down. I would rub her head and ears until her head would start to relax, feeling heavy in my hands. I can still feel that weight. I can still feel her smooth fur over her strong muscles. I can still see her little nubbin of a tail wagging. In fact, there is not a detail about her that I will ever forget. She is forever in my head and heart. From the first time I saw her as a chubby puppy to the moment she took her last breath in my arms. She is mine. When she got sick, I would lay on the bed with her. I sobbed into her neck. She let me. I told her many things. Thank you, I love you, I will miss you. I made her promise me that when it is my turn to go that she will be the one to come get me. That may sound silly but it's not to me. She was my beloved. My darling. My pooch. I think that we could all learn a lot from animals. I could write about her for a long while but there are things that I want to keep, just for me. I know that she is never far and that I am a better human because of my life with her. Thank you D.

Brave

My watch tower is in front of me with light dancing on it's face. Birds are singing near and far. It's sunset and I am sitting on my porch taking it in. Smell of spring every now and again. When I write I find out what I really want to say in the process. Today has been kind and generous. A flowing day but in my heart and mind I feel turbulent. I have decided that I need to write out everything that is making me feel wounded. I won't do it here. I am not ready. We all have feelings that are too volatile, too raw. There are times that I feel a little lost, like there is something deeper I am missing. All my life I have felt like things that other people do, rules, life events, and circumstances were never meant for me. It's like I have have always known that. My life is different. I am different. Is something waiting for me? Is there something I have yet to discover? Is there something coming to me? Am I too old not to know these things? There is something lovely about the unknown and something completely maddening about it. I drive myself crazy with these thoughts. The juxtaposition of my heart puzzles me. Some days are so wonderful that I am frightened that it could all slip away and other days are terrifying to live through. So what is it? It's both. It's always been both. In my last post I talked about how much I worry. This is exhausting. There is a part of me that craves freedom and lightheartedness. I see myself with short wind swept hair in the sun smiling. No shoes and the sun warming my soul. I feel the lightness that I imagine riding a surfboard must feel like. Nirvana in my heart. The feeling I get when I listen to Bob Marley's Natural Mystic. That song is absolute freedom to me. That is where I want my mind to be. As I write this I know that I want a release all the time because my mind never stops. I also know that I am scared on those days that are amazing because my mind won't let me fully enjoy it. Brave is what I need to be. To look at the good days and just go deeper in them. Tell my mind to love it just like my heart does. To look at the bad days and tell my mind and heart to hold on, that we will make it. I want to seek out the beautiful colors of this life. More. More. Different. Wild. Freedom. Light. Dark. Heart. Soul. Touching. Mine. Mine. Deep. Perfect. Messy. Proud. Love.

Everything/nothing

A yard sale and a yoga class. These are the Saturdays that I love. They promise everything and nothing.
I drank a smoothie that resembled an orange dream as I left my home. It's funny because I really like the mornings. You get to see fresh light and the way it hits the sky. The air is crisp but warm.  Sunglasses, hair up, camo pants, lip gloss and wind in my hair. The car windows slightly down, letting the light and warmth pour in. Carefree for the moment. I took my blue yoga mat and rolled it out in class. My brother and his wife next to me. A small room with people who wanted to do the same thing. I am really loving yoga. There was a great moment today in class when the teacher helped me into my first headstand! I was elated! So happy! I had doubted myself, my ability. Ha! There I was, upside down feeling strong. I smiled and thanked the teacher. That was true joy. My body was electric after class. Another ride in the car, windows down and me singing. We collected stuffed olives, crackers, and Gouda. Of course some Coke. Blankets were laid on the lawn and we ate under the big tree in the grass.  I blew bubbles with a darling little person. I felt my heart get light. I felt light in my heart. The day the promised everything and nothing did exactly that.

LOVE

I find myself on my velveteen couch again listening to music. It's the day after my T's birthday, there are bright balloons floating above my head. I just finished organizing my music into different playlists.  Love songs, dreamy songs, mellow songs, rap songs, upbeat songs, but mostly love songs. Love in all forms in songs. I was sick a couple of days ago and I am still recovering. That is why I am on my couch at 4 in the afternoon in my p.j.s listening to music. Love has been on my mind. I guess that it really always has been. Lately I have been trying to do all things out of love. Thoughts, actions, intentions, and words. I have prayed for help with this. It starts in my home and moves outward. The idea of doing everything from a source of love is amazing to me. Of course I love my family but I want to share as much love as I can. I have a deep heart. I am capable to share so much more. As I listen to music today the theme that runs in and out is love. How much better could my little world be if I shared more love? How much could we all do by doing things from a loving source inside your heart? This is my intention, to show love and spread love everyday. I want to stretch my capacity for love.  God, love, family, community, nature, earth. Because "All you need is love"