Journey

Early morning wake up times are hard for me. That is how it has always been. This morning my lovely girl woke me up, saying that it was time for me to take her to school. She is dressed and ready. A smile on her face. I love this about her. I dropped her off and made my way back to my warm bed. Actually, it was cold but it felt so divine. Sleep came easily and softly. My next wake up was from my sister and the little Lola. They wanted to go walking in the spring sunshine. I needed this. So off we went seeking the stretch of our legs and a pounding heart. Lola skipped along beside us. It was cold but the sunshine was welcome. We walked along the sidewalk looking at the cute brick houses and their perfect yards full of tulips. I felt happy that I could walk along with my sister, that I could be this strong. Our conversation was about being happy with where we are in our lives. We talked about trying to be our best selves and how we are constantly trying to do so. I don't like the thought that if one gets to a certain point they will automatically be happy. The old sayings of if I get this job, if I go to school, if I get married, if I have a baby, if I move into this house everything will be perfect. I feel those thoughts betray us in many ways. Of course it is lovely to have goals and think of your future. There is unrelenting pressure from society to be perfect and have it all. It's hurting our outlook. My sister is 11 years younger than me. I can see myself in her at that age. The questions of what do I want to do with my self are spinning in her head. I don't see her as an unfinished project. I see her on her life journey. The process of finding yourself, of finding the world. I am still finding my self everyday. I am still finding the world. How sad would it be if we did reach these places of complete fulfilment and stop growing as a person? I have to remind myself to be happy today with who I am and where I am. Where I am is on a journey that includes walks with my sister in the spring sunshine with her dog who is happy and content to run through the grass with her little mouth open. I am going to aspire to live in the moment as much as I can. Of course my goals and dreams will still be pushing me but I will no longer think, if we can just get here we will be happy. Happy is what you make. Happy is how you see your life. I am happy. Today at lunch with our other sister, we had beautiful food. Green salads, holy canoli, frozen chi, and a lofty dessert with cream. This afternoon my child came home with that smile on her face. We told each other I love you. In mere moments I am off to the flower shop with sister. Then my sweet husband will be home and the house will be full. I am happy. How could I not be?

A grand home

Today I unexpectedly found myself at the doorstep of my Grandma's home. My mom and sisters walked inside with me. There was a collective sigh and then silence. We all walked in different directions. There was a reverence in the silence. I wandered to the kitchen and snapped a few pictures. I  stood there and my thoughts flew to the times I spent in that kitchen with Grandma. When I was a child the kitchen was always filled with something tasty. Grandma would never let us leave without a treat. At times there was toast with jam and cheese on it. Other times it would be a chocolate from See's. As I looked at the kitchen today I could not help but think of all the wonderful, homemade, delicious food that was prepared there. Lunch was at noon and dinner at 5. There was always a stack of bread and cold butter on the table. Her beautiful tablecloths under the plates. I could hear my sisters talking somewhere so I followed their soft voices to the living room. We commented on how unreal the windows are. The light flooded in. My heart was flooded. I could suddenly hear the theme song from her favorite British comedy, Keeping Up Appearances. The times I spent overnight on the big purple couch with sheets and a lovely pillow all came to me. I could picture the house at night, quiet and warm. I felt safe there, with kisses from both grandparents. My next steps took me to the hall. It broke my heart and I could not move my feet. I snapped more pictures. Like a dream I could hear the lovely WHOO HOOO! coming from down the hall. It made my feet move down the creaky hall. I ended up in the bedroom that overlooks the backyard. I found my Mom looking out the window. Tears slipped down her face. She said this was the only home she had ever known. Her eyes were far away in a memory. My arms closed around her. As we walked out of the room I stopped at the door. My hand reached for that familiar smooth doorknob. How many times did her hand touch this? How many times had mine? I left my hand there and turned it slowly. It made that same sound. I smiled and I broke a little more.  I drifted to the basement. We were all there together, silently looking through boxes. I found a little box full of birthday cards still waiting to be sent. I thumbed through them. I smiled. I cried. Smiled because of how organized she was. Smiled because the cards were the most gorgeous things ever. Where did she find stuff like that? I cried because I know that none of us will ever get one of those cards again. All around me was evidence of a grand life. A life full of everything. I saw maps, kites, art, bottles, cake dishes, and a million National Geographic magazines. That house. That house. It holds different memories for everyone. My memories are interwoven deep in my heart. Nothing will take that away. I want to thank my beautiful Grandma and my darling Grandpa for giving me a full heart. It was love in that grand house.

SUN/MOON

He is like gravity. We are like gravity. This is how it has always been, just pulling towards each other with no control. There are silences that are comfortable and loud, happy times that are perfect. There is no one I can rely on like him. He is steady. My sounding board and my reality. It mixes into the exact right conversation with no words needed. Clearly I am the moon. I adore the night, dark, the sunsets, stars, and the cover it puts on the day. He is the sun. Bright and boundless. The sunrising is his life blood. He finds peace in these hours. I reflect his light. We are the good in one another. Nothing I have done in my life has been this easy. It's like breathing to be with him. He is open minded and our protector. The spectrum that is his light is glorious. I never question my devotion because I am clearly just as beloved. I have been rotten, in pain, sad, happy, elated, rude, giving, loving, adoring, selfless and he has been a gracious man. He is the same. He is my truth. I thank God for him everyday. There are just some lives that are meant to be shared. Ours are bound by the heart, those vibrant stories, experiences, love, and friendship. The sun and the moon.

FREEDOM

Here I sit with inspiration flowing out of the top of my head. It streams up above me in a fluid motion. I love these moments when inspiration or excitement for the coming season hit me. My pen flys across the paper with all I want to do. On this list are things like, read a beautiful book and eat a snow cone as big as my head.  The way I intend to experience my life is not just in grand moments but the smallest/messiest/lovely/sticky/sweet moments. Those are the best moments. I find inspiration every where. The birds outside singing to me make me want to go farther into the canyon and follow their songs. The clouds that shift and change, just as we do, make me want to sit on the grass and get lost. The purple tulips in my room make me excited that I have decided to always keep fresh flowers in the house. My mind is filled with warm thoughts of this summer. It streams through my head like this....late nights with warm air, bomb pops, celebrating a glorious birthday with Maddie, snow cones, fires up AF  canyon, laughing like fools, seeing my sister's dreaming eyes as we conjure up some plan for more magic, feeling the wind whip my face and hair as I bike down the canyon with my wolf pack,  spending a week of my life at my second home that calls to me, feeling sun-kissed,  dirty and insanely happy there, hearing the waves crack in the storm, the surprises that summer always holds. These thoughts wrap me until I can be in the lovely sun. There is inspiration all around us. Most of all I love the freedom of summer. Freedom is love. Freedom is bliss. Freedom is family. Freedom is me. Let us spend this summer with freedom on our lips and inspiration moving us.