Best self

This post has been rolling around in my head for days. They are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Bouncing thoughts around. I am a woman who is trying to do her best. There I said it. Sometimes my heart is not fully committed to what I am doing and that is because I probably should not be doing it in the first place. Now I am not talking about smoking or bleaching clothes for spite. It's just that some things that I do are not completely in my nature. Not part of me. Do you know what I mean? For example getting up at a decent hour in the morning. I know I should but my body is not wired for that. From day one I have been a night owl, plus I function better on lots of sleep. My bedtime has improved greatly, it is now no later than midnight. Still, this whole thing bugs me. I want to get up and be more productive. There has to be compromise. There is going to be compromise. Lately I have been writing down goals, dreams, and inspirations. I write so many things that it feels overwhelming and I just stop. This past year has taught me that the freer I am the better I do. If I have a huge to do list I feel lifeless, but if I have a few important things to do I feel empowered. Freedom has been on my mind a lot. A lot. The freedom I crave is not absolute wildness, it is freedom of choice, freedom from guilt, freedom from judgement, freedom to live how I want to live. Tonight I took a long, hot bath. My ideas of life swirled in my heart and my body relaxed. When I was out and in my soft clothes, I started writing. The question that I wrote was "How can I become my best self?" This is what followed:

* Do what I say I am going to do
* Set realistic goals
* Push myself through the hard parts
* Love God, my family, and myself
* Treat myself kindly
* No limits
* Positive vibes, thoughts, and actions
* Let yourself be free
* Nurture the self that IS into my best self
* Follow your heart
* Know that I am capable of great things
* Know that I deserve great things

This is a wonderful place to start.

Silent

It's late and my spirit is heavy. Today I walked the hills, pounded the earth, listened to my heart thunder, but it was muffled. I looked into the sky and glanced at the clouds. My vision was weak. There is no fire in my heart right now. The world is mute. The last little while has felt this way. I am not sure how it came to be. I find myself trying to start a flame but the wind blows it out. I am in a silent movie. Where is my lovely sound? Where are my vibrant colors? Where is my fire?

Lost and found

I am in bed, fluffy pillows, soft blankets covering me and my husband snoring softly.  Lately I have been waking up with crushing anxiety that grips my heart so violently I think it might burst. What is happening? Close ones around me feel this way too. My thoughts are all jumbled up. Who am I? What am I doing? It's like every once in awhile, I lose my self. Last night I had a heartbreaking moment where I just wanted to be home as a child with my parents. The feeling consumed me and I cried. It lasted only for a flash. In my search for myself, I made a list of the things I would like to do. Goals, wants, needs. As I wrote, I could see myself again but slightly changed. Pushing past my fears and limits that I think I have is one of the things I wrote down. How many of us have these imagined limits? I know that I do. I have discovered something about myself. I do not like to be told what to do. I question people who are so in shock of how I live. It makes me defensive. I will not bow down. That could be a bad thing or a good thing. There are so many things that I want to be a part of, experience, do, hear, and see. Is it so much to ask myself for these things? No. This is what life is. Finding yourself, losing yourself over and over again. It is what changes us and strengthens us. It hurts us and heals us. I need to open myself to these moments of losing and finding myself. Instead of fearing my loss, I could look at it as an opportunity to gain something I did not have before. It's all in my hands. So many parts make me. So many shades. I am loving, thoughtful, careful, overly protective, mean, cold, selfish, grumpy, happy, committed, loyal, rude, snappy, and grateful. My experiences have helped me grow skin and armor, or lack of. They have seeded my heart with wild love and contentment. They have shown me heartbreak so deep that everything I thought was real started to crack. They have given me absolute, pure, and profound rapture. Maybe every time I feel that I am losing myself, it's the universe's way to get me to look around and take stock in my beautiful life. It is beautiful.

Let it go

I have been wanting to write this for a few days. I need to get it out. Let it go. I have some letting go to do. I like to think that I can let things bounce off me, but I am really not that good sometimes. The art of deflecting the negative is something I need to work on.  My heart is on my sleeve, though I wonder if that is a good place for it. Maybe it needs to be frozen. It's either hot or cold with me, I have no in between. That is a fault of mine. Where is that middle line where I can just put up a shield and save my feelings from being hurt? I am working on it. So for now I realize that some people just want you to be a certain way and it really gets them twisted when you are not. There is a part of my life that is over. It can not be rescued. It was fatally injured, but I am somehow certain that it was always destined to play out this way. Relief is the honest emotion I feel. The weight of it has almost been lifted, only not all the way. It is not that I am trying to fix the damage but that I am wanting to seal my self from further damage. Events keep happening that hurl objects of damage at my shield. My first instinct is to fight and stick up for myself. That drains my energy and focus. The other instinct is to become cold and unfeeling. That is not my normal self. See, it's either hot or cold. Still there is another path, let it go. Move on.  Live your life. Be you. This is the path I must chose. I have to turn away from the damage and keep my head up. There will always be a fire burning in that direction that I leave behind but I will no longer try to stop it. I am strong enough to shield the heat. There was no way to save it, no different ending. It was bound for this. So here I am, ready to finally stop worrying. Enough. I don't have to explain anything, ever again. Breathe in new, breathe out old. Gone. Let it go.

Soak it in

The lake, the valley, the mountains, the heat. On the morning of the one year anniversary of my pacemaker surgery I woke up, brushed my teeth, looked out the window at the blue lake, and then my tears started to flow. They were unexpected. Bittersweet tears. The last year of my life has been hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was tested brutally. The tears were a mix of triumph and sadness. I had made it through. A phone call to my Mom gave me so much comfort. I have learned many things over the last year but none more than to live in the moment. This has been my challenge to myself. Be present. Love it. So everyday I try to savor each moment. I think I have been doing really good. These are some of my favorite moments: yesterday when my sister and I layed in bed to take a nap and kicked our feet around in the blankets and giggled, checking on Maddie every night, looking at the faces of my loved ones as we watched Dad and Kris get married in front of the Tetons, watching my Dad dance with Maddie in her Converse high tops that night, hopping on the back of a 4 wheeler with my husband and driving to the top of a mountain all while loving the feel of the sun on our faces, drinking that first dirty coke and everyone after, taking an impromptu walk on a trail that was over run with water, eating dinner on the deck everynight with the red and white checked tablecloth, hearing the law mowers, walking and walking and walking and feeling my heart pound, cloud gazing, oh the cloud gazing, laying in the backyard in the grass with my husband which turned into a game of me throwing peach pits at him, watching a dancing horse in Park City and letting him make me cry, going to the movie with my family and holding hands with my sister and my husband cause it was that intense, really looking at nature and being awestruck everytime, riding a chairlift up a glorious mountain, spending the night in a fancy hotel with fancy robes that we wore to the hot tub, laughing with Maddie in the car about absolutly nothing, sleeping over at my Mom's house and watching Gladitor, making cookies with little Kate, snuggling Lola, doing sparklers on the 4th of July with lots of friends, going on a bike ride with my husband that was way to hard for me and watching him push both bikes home for us and his total patience, knowing that my husband is the exact man that I need to be with, swimming in Bear Lake with my husband, swimming in Bear Lake with my Dad and him towing my around on his back like I was five, watching fireworks sitting next to Grandma Chapman and every time she saw one she liked she would lift and point both of her legs in excitement, singing in the car with Maddie, telling her that I love her with all my Mommy heart, my Dad everything about him, when I think of my life the tears of gratitude that come to my eyes . I have found so many amazing moments that most people just gloss over. I consider my self lucky. I intend to keep taking my opportunities and living in the moment. At the end of my life I want to be so soaked up with all of my life moments that no one will be able to lift me up and they will say "She lived in each moment! She cherished her time here!!"

Perception

Perception.  Needs. Wants. Desires. Passions. Love. Outside the wind was blowing hard, the clouds rolled in and I could see their deep colors. They called me outside. I stood on the deck and let my eyes relax. Undulating black, blue, pink, gray, and white were in front of me. I reached for them, they were so close. As I watched each cloud changed and spiraled. Each change it made was lovely. The color changed slightly every time. One cloud looked like it was a stairway ascending up. Others looked like wings. As I stood outside gazing at the clouds and letting my hair whip about, I felt a sense of familiarity, smallness, bigness, everything in the universe. I thought about how much we change over a lifetime. Slightly sometimes and other times we completely shift. Marvelous. If I could watch myself as a cloud, what would I see? I feel like I have been too hard on myself. I need to see the subtle changes better. Sometimes we can see the complete shifts in ourselves. I need better perception of these changes. I want to be better in tune with my self, my family, our earth, and each other. Trust your gut and let the clouds call to you.

 

250,000 miles on a clear night in June..

I think I lived in my car for the month of June. Macy made a second home in the back seat. June brought a few surprises and many beautiful outings. A long Bear Lake trip, 3 weddings, and a girls trip to St. George. It was busy and chaotic but it was lovely. I love my family. Seriously I adore them. We started off at our beloved Bear Lake for a week. The car was loaded down with girls, swim suits, books, birthday presents, and Lola. Pulling into the driveway of the cabin has an instant nostalgic  calming effect that is one of the best feelings in the world. Opening the door and smelling the familiar cabin is the next best feeling in the world. We unpacked and settled in for a week of laughing, sunbathing, paddle boarding  eating, staying up really late, listening to frogs, wondering how many people had stayed at the cabin over the years, having birthday cake, hot tubing, and feeling our roots growing deeper into Bear Lake. I can't put into words how much I love Bear Lake. I grew up there. Every summer of my life. It is as much a part of me as breathing. I believe that it is magic for children. Cut to a week later and we were all packing up for quick trip to Jackson. This one was going to be fun. This was a special trip. A trip that we needed to dress up for. Cowboy boots, check! We made it to these adorable little cabins by the Snake River. Our moods were upbeat and lifted on this occasion  We were only missing one sweet girl. As we climbed the trail and looked out over the Tetons we knew it was going to be perfect. I can't give it away here but it was such a happy day. The next day was spent at the Oxbow in tall grass lounging and eating old lady lunches. The Tetons are insanely spectacular. There is a reverence there, silence. We made a mad dash for Bear Lake and face planted into the beds to sleep. Home was were we recovered for a few hours, washed clothes, slept overnight and woke up to a new adventure. Maddie was off to Arizona to see her lovely family and Macy, my Mom, and I were off to St. George for a girls trip. The girls needed this trip. It refreshed us. Renewed our spirits. We took long dips in the pool and then sunned ourselves. Macy, Lola and I slept in a big white puffy bed. We would whisper at night about our lives. I love that we can be close and do that. I love that she is my friend and she gets me. My Mom and I had fun giggling in the pool to the point of tears. She is so wonderful. We got to have some really great girl time. Nothing to do but talk and swim. My Mom is the most loving person I know. She amazes me. We got to visit Aunt Kate, Uncle Spence and little Walter. This was a real treat. Kate is amazing. She is vibrant and full of life. I admire her and how she just lives her life the way she wants to. She made us delicious food and took us to get the pie of a life time. On the last night we were there, we sat outside in her back yard with the dogs and slices of rhubarb pie. The four of us talked about lots of things like dogs, Grandma and Grandpa, fake people who really hit a nerve with us, and love. There was something happening that night. My sister and I felt it strongly. We hugged Kate goodbye, I even got out for a second hug. I watched Kate and my Mom say goodbye through tears. Later Macy and I talked about what a special night it was. We cried together. I knew that I was loved beyond measure. It was glorious. We jet seted home to a wedding reception complete with a croquet match and dutch oven food. Then it was off to Bear Lake for a wedding. The circus sized tent, mason jars with flowers, and mood lighting was perfect. It was a sweet wedding. We spent the next two days playing. Trent was goofing off with the boys riding whiskey barrels, jumping of the diving board, and playing mumbly peg with my Dad. Ya that happened. Then for some reason I decided that I wanted to swim in the lake...and if you know me at all this is a shocker because I am a baby about the cold water. Boy was it a really great choice. I loved it. I swam in that blue water. I lived in the moment. The best part of all those crazy trips was when Trent and I sat in the lounge chair that Saturday night and watched the lighting across the lake. We wrapped up together, it was dark, we could hear the frogs and the loud waves crashing on the beach. The lighting would dazzle the sky and we were content. We saw a shooting star and made a wish. I felt so peaceful. My heart was full. My mind was quiet. Our hearts were together. It centered me to be with him, and all I could think of was how happy things were in that very moment.

"I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon and I'm aiming right at you
  250,000 miles on a clear night in June and I'm aiming right at you, right at you"

Summer begins

There is a shift in the atmosphere. It's almost tangible  Summer is here. I was out picking up supplies and I noticed the change in everyone's shopping carts. Moms with big plastic swimming pools, otter pops, and brightly colored summer clothing. Their kids were running about pointing at all the amazing toys. I remember how I felt about summer as a kid. The anticipation was the best. Those last few days of frazzled school...and then freedom. It's not that different now. I love the summer. This summer is going to be busy. I am happy about that. My beautiful girl's birthday is soon. We have purchased flowery shirts, dresses, and the perfect length shorts. This summer has a promise, it says that it will be better than last year and sorry that last year was so hard. Of course I have made my list of dreamy things to do, read in the park, eat snow cones, make treats, have fires up the canyon, cook hot dogs and smores, and Bear Lake always Bear Lake. Yesterday was a hard day, I mean a really hard day. I was sad and discouraged. My heart reached out and thankfully there was help reaching back to me. Today was much better. My girl was off with friends slipping and sliding and I had the day to myself. I walked and then I did yoga. My sandwich for lunch actually made me close my eyes make a mmmmmm sound. The next place I found my self was on the grass with a peach snapple, a book, my sunglasses and my bright purple lipstick on. My mood was lifted. The sun warmed my very heart and made me whole again. There is hope for this summer. I know times will whisk by me in a blur and other times will stand still. I think that freedom is what I want most this summer. Freedom means a lot of things to me. It feels like spending the day with my child just going to get a snow cone. It feels like taking off to the canyon with food and drinks and firewood and not coming home until we have soaked up the stars. It feels like staying up late to watch Star Trek with him. It feels like riding in the boat across Bear Lake with the wind whipping my hair. It feels like a cool drink of water. So all these things I want to experience, to savor, to be present for. It's here. Summer.....

Scar tissue

"Scar tissue that I wish you saw" This line from a song keeps running through my head. I have been thinking a lot lately. A lot. Wondering things about myself and others. The thought keeps jumping up and down, what if people could see the pain, worry, happiness, joy, and despair on the outside of our bodies like wounds or bright colors? What if it was plain to see exactly what someone was feeling by seeing their "scar tissue"? I have often wished that people could just touch me and know what it feels like to be in my body, how it feels to have my heart. Most people are loving and understanding  but if they were able to physically know how I feel, could it bring more understanding and compassion? I think it could. We never know what some people are really feeling physically and emotionally. They can explain it to you with all the words in the world but you really will never know exactly what it is like.  People carry around so much, think if no one could hide how happy or hurt they were? I imagine people with long jagged scars along arms and backs explaining injuries or illnesses, even emotional trials. These would not be regular scars from surgeries or accidents but something we could see to have a deeper knowledge of our fellow human beings. I can also imagine how happiness and joy would manifest, it would look like people had just gone to the Holi color festival. Streaks of vibrant pink, purple, yellow, blue. We could all see the love, freedom, success, peace, and security on one another. Our colors would build and change along with our scars. We would be in constant motion.  It would be beautiful. Imagine if you really could just hold hands and feel, hear, and see what that person is going through and had been through. What if we could just be real and let people know us? Could we still stand to hurt each other? Would we fight as often? I think of a part in a book where one character has a transformation and is able to see the world clear. The part I think of is when this character looks at several of her family members as for the first time, one of the family members has scars that she  did not see before. She now has a deeper knowledge of what this person went through. How amazing would it be. Think of going to the doctor and just letting them touch you and they would know exactly how you feel. Compassion. I wonder if it will ever be like this? Maybe trying to be more thoughtful of what other people are going through would be a good place to start. My scar down the middle of my chest only tells so much about me and it is not even the beginning of how colorful I am.

Journey

Early morning wake up times are hard for me. That is how it has always been. This morning my lovely girl woke me up, saying that it was time for me to take her to school. She is dressed and ready. A smile on her face. I love this about her. I dropped her off and made my way back to my warm bed. Actually, it was cold but it felt so divine. Sleep came easily and softly. My next wake up was from my sister and the little Lola. They wanted to go walking in the spring sunshine. I needed this. So off we went seeking the stretch of our legs and a pounding heart. Lola skipped along beside us. It was cold but the sunshine was welcome. We walked along the sidewalk looking at the cute brick houses and their perfect yards full of tulips. I felt happy that I could walk along with my sister, that I could be this strong. Our conversation was about being happy with where we are in our lives. We talked about trying to be our best selves and how we are constantly trying to do so. I don't like the thought that if one gets to a certain point they will automatically be happy. The old sayings of if I get this job, if I go to school, if I get married, if I have a baby, if I move into this house everything will be perfect. I feel those thoughts betray us in many ways. Of course it is lovely to have goals and think of your future. There is unrelenting pressure from society to be perfect and have it all. It's hurting our outlook. My sister is 11 years younger than me. I can see myself in her at that age. The questions of what do I want to do with my self are spinning in her head. I don't see her as an unfinished project. I see her on her life journey. The process of finding yourself, of finding the world. I am still finding my self everyday. I am still finding the world. How sad would it be if we did reach these places of complete fulfilment and stop growing as a person? I have to remind myself to be happy today with who I am and where I am. Where I am is on a journey that includes walks with my sister in the spring sunshine with her dog who is happy and content to run through the grass with her little mouth open. I am going to aspire to live in the moment as much as I can. Of course my goals and dreams will still be pushing me but I will no longer think, if we can just get here we will be happy. Happy is what you make. Happy is how you see your life. I am happy. Today at lunch with our other sister, we had beautiful food. Green salads, holy canoli, frozen chi, and a lofty dessert with cream. This afternoon my child came home with that smile on her face. We told each other I love you. In mere moments I am off to the flower shop with sister. Then my sweet husband will be home and the house will be full. I am happy. How could I not be?

A grand home

Today I unexpectedly found myself at the doorstep of my Grandma's home. My mom and sisters walked inside with me. There was a collective sigh and then silence. We all walked in different directions. There was a reverence in the silence. I wandered to the kitchen and snapped a few pictures. I  stood there and my thoughts flew to the times I spent in that kitchen with Grandma. When I was a child the kitchen was always filled with something tasty. Grandma would never let us leave without a treat. At times there was toast with jam and cheese on it. Other times it would be a chocolate from See's. As I looked at the kitchen today I could not help but think of all the wonderful, homemade, delicious food that was prepared there. Lunch was at noon and dinner at 5. There was always a stack of bread and cold butter on the table. Her beautiful tablecloths under the plates. I could hear my sisters talking somewhere so I followed their soft voices to the living room. We commented on how unreal the windows are. The light flooded in. My heart was flooded. I could suddenly hear the theme song from her favorite British comedy, Keeping Up Appearances. The times I spent overnight on the big purple couch with sheets and a lovely pillow all came to me. I could picture the house at night, quiet and warm. I felt safe there, with kisses from both grandparents. My next steps took me to the hall. It broke my heart and I could not move my feet. I snapped more pictures. Like a dream I could hear the lovely WHOO HOOO! coming from down the hall. It made my feet move down the creaky hall. I ended up in the bedroom that overlooks the backyard. I found my Mom looking out the window. Tears slipped down her face. She said this was the only home she had ever known. Her eyes were far away in a memory. My arms closed around her. As we walked out of the room I stopped at the door. My hand reached for that familiar smooth doorknob. How many times did her hand touch this? How many times had mine? I left my hand there and turned it slowly. It made that same sound. I smiled and I broke a little more.  I drifted to the basement. We were all there together, silently looking through boxes. I found a little box full of birthday cards still waiting to be sent. I thumbed through them. I smiled. I cried. Smiled because of how organized she was. Smiled because the cards were the most gorgeous things ever. Where did she find stuff like that? I cried because I know that none of us will ever get one of those cards again. All around me was evidence of a grand life. A life full of everything. I saw maps, kites, art, bottles, cake dishes, and a million National Geographic magazines. That house. That house. It holds different memories for everyone. My memories are interwoven deep in my heart. Nothing will take that away. I want to thank my beautiful Grandma and my darling Grandpa for giving me a full heart. It was love in that grand house.

SUN/MOON

He is like gravity. We are like gravity. This is how it has always been, just pulling towards each other with no control. There are silences that are comfortable and loud, happy times that are perfect. There is no one I can rely on like him. He is steady. My sounding board and my reality. It mixes into the exact right conversation with no words needed. Clearly I am the moon. I adore the night, dark, the sunsets, stars, and the cover it puts on the day. He is the sun. Bright and boundless. The sunrising is his life blood. He finds peace in these hours. I reflect his light. We are the good in one another. Nothing I have done in my life has been this easy. It's like breathing to be with him. He is open minded and our protector. The spectrum that is his light is glorious. I never question my devotion because I am clearly just as beloved. I have been rotten, in pain, sad, happy, elated, rude, giving, loving, adoring, selfless and he has been a gracious man. He is the same. He is my truth. I thank God for him everyday. There are just some lives that are meant to be shared. Ours are bound by the heart, those vibrant stories, experiences, love, and friendship. The sun and the moon.

FREEDOM

Here I sit with inspiration flowing out of the top of my head. It streams up above me in a fluid motion. I love these moments when inspiration or excitement for the coming season hit me. My pen flys across the paper with all I want to do. On this list are things like, read a beautiful book and eat a snow cone as big as my head.  The way I intend to experience my life is not just in grand moments but the smallest/messiest/lovely/sticky/sweet moments. Those are the best moments. I find inspiration every where. The birds outside singing to me make me want to go farther into the canyon and follow their songs. The clouds that shift and change, just as we do, make me want to sit on the grass and get lost. The purple tulips in my room make me excited that I have decided to always keep fresh flowers in the house. My mind is filled with warm thoughts of this summer. It streams through my head like this....late nights with warm air, bomb pops, celebrating a glorious birthday with Maddie, snow cones, fires up AF  canyon, laughing like fools, seeing my sister's dreaming eyes as we conjure up some plan for more magic, feeling the wind whip my face and hair as I bike down the canyon with my wolf pack,  spending a week of my life at my second home that calls to me, feeling sun-kissed,  dirty and insanely happy there, hearing the waves crack in the storm, the surprises that summer always holds. These thoughts wrap me until I can be in the lovely sun. There is inspiration all around us. Most of all I love the freedom of summer. Freedom is love. Freedom is bliss. Freedom is family. Freedom is me. Let us spend this summer with freedom on our lips and inspiration moving us.

Hearts

This is my heart. This is her heart. This is his heart. This is our heart.  My heart runs backwards. There is Teflon in my heart, it's function is to keep things from sticking, keep them moving. My heart keeps people and feelings, it sucks them up. Sometimes I am not always good at keeping away the things that are not good for my heart. It's a funny thing sometimes, the heart. The anatomical heart and the heart shaped one. We say things like heartbroken and I love you with all my heart. It's a romantic thing that the heart is linked to our feelings. Beautiful. Full of love. Full of life blood. Keeping you alive for love. Full beautifully full. I love my own heart. It is mine and I have never felt betrayed by it. When I see something lovely, hear some melody that carries me, or when I lay in bed and feel content, I feel it all in my heart. My heart is full. My heart has scar tissue, real and from life events. I wear this proudly. I imagine these intense colored threads coming out of my heart and connecting to my T and his heart. No matter where we are those threads are connected. I must have a million threads connecting me to people, places, sounds, experiences, Bear lake, the Pacific ocean, dreams, heaven and love, love, love.  I believe without any doubt that these connections of the heart are what I am here to experience. No matter what I go through, it all comes down to love. Everything. So this life is hard, so this life is amazing. I just want it all.

The lucky ones

I bought pinwheels and peeps at the store yesterday. I have a hard time leaving the pinwheels there. They are so happy. Spring is starting to warm my bones and thaw my heart. This time of year I feel spontaneous and inspired. Last week I took a day trip to the desert. We drove out in the sage brushes. We got out and let our legs carry us over the rocks. The wind whipped my face and the sun ignited all that I could see. I stood and looked out over the land. It was stunning. I was floored, much like I always am. Being outside reminds me of how small we are and how lucky we are to see this. The slopes, the wind, history around us, the shockingly bright blue birds, and the thrill of taking it all in. My brain juggles around all of the ideas I have about spring. For this family it means day trips south to soak in the red sand. It means exercise and fresh air. It means no clocks and no rules. It means going out with a blanket and flying kites. It means coming home from these adventures tired, wind whipped, sun kissed and perfectly happy. There have been recent events that have made me feel reflective and grateful. Even more I realize that we truly just have this moment, this second. I kiss him a lot more and check on her more often. I am trying to live in the moment. Life is crazy beautiful. My heart is broken for some and more understanding for others. The saying about enjoying the journey as much as the destination keeps popping in my head. I think this is brilliant. Maybe this could be the new motto? No matter where you are, what stage of life, problems, anything, living in the moment could be extremely helpful.  Soak everything in.


"Tomorrow way too far away
  And we cant get back yesterday
  But we young right now
  We got right now
   So get up right now
   Cause all we got is right now!"

Home sick

I am home sick. Last night as I was getting dressed for bed I had an intense feeling of missing my home in Pleasant Grove. I missed my bathroom. It hit me like the Surfliner in Carlsbad. We do have a home that we live in. It's warm and lovely and it has the most amazing view of Utah lake and the valley at night. But still...it's not my home. We have left our safety net in search of something a little bigger with a back yard full of sun and good times with the family. The economy prevented us from selling our home, which I am actually thankful for. My home is still mine. I could go back if I wanted to. Some days I miss it desperately. I miss the wind blowing my curtains while I made dinner, the peaceful routine we had of coming home from school and work. I would make a yummy dinner while Maddie did homework. We had family over weekly. It was the spot to hang out and talk. On summer nights the family would come over for dinner and then we would all walk around the neighborhood back to the garden. The sun would be setting over our hard work. Some of us would ride bikes and longboards around and around, taking turns. It was pure bliss. I loved walking at sunset to see the pinks and purples dazzling the sky. The clouds changing and calling me. There were countless hours spent laughing and watching the latest movie. It was a true home in every sense of the word. How could we leave that? Is this why I am having the most stressful time in a decade? What is happening to me? We wanted to see what else was waiting for us by making the move. It has been more than I bargained for. We have moved twice in 4 months. Now I am trying my hardest to make things happen for us, to achieve the goal we set out for, a new place to call our own. A place to make memories, to call our family over again and again to share our home.  I have to look forward to this. I have to make it happen. So I guess combining the moves, the health issues that are making me insane, it would only make sense for me to feel so low right now. Home is really where your heart is. I believe that everyone needs a space that is their own to grow and feel security. Where you can do as you please and come and go whenever you feel. I want our next place to be our sanctuary. Somewhere we can sleep without a care and where I can watch my curtains blow again while I make dinner. Home is vital to the heart. It means more to me than I can say. I never took our home in Pleasant Grove for granted, never. But when we get to a new home I will be that much more grateful for the freedom your very own place brings.

You can't handle the truth.....

Some people don't like the truth when it's ugly. They want it to be nice and sweet. But the truth is not always perfect. It's messy, complicated, and hard. I tried to see the truth. I failed. It was not at all what I thought. As I am writing tonight, it's my mind that is hurting. I don't see my self very clearly. In good ways and bad ways. Today the line screaming in my head is "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!"in Jack Nicholson's voice. I think this about my self and people around me. I could not look people in the face today. Not even when I visited my mom's. I could not face my self in her eye's. I felt like a monster. I am mean. I am snappy. I need to change my attitude. But where to start is the real question. How does one go about doing that? This question is puzzling me. Do you find some book to tell you to be nice and behave? Do you fake it? Do you just stop telling people your feelings? I do know that I can not stand to become one of those people who will tell you they are perfectly fine while their house is on fire. There has to be a balance. I don't know where to start. I wish I was better at being positive. I am not doom and gloom but I could do better. Tonight my mind is racing and circling it's self. It's trying to help me and trying to be mad still. I will sleep in my bed, willing my mind to feel better in the morning.

"I am trying hard not to get into trouble, but I have got a war in my mind"

Roller coaster

My mind is screaming at me to get off this ride.  For 7 months I have had non stop pain, worry, heartache, bad days, good days, really bad days, doctor appointments, CT scans, blood draws, and bills. This period of my life has been difficult at best. It seems to always be a balancing act with my body. A lot of "We can't try this because of this." There have been days where I thought my physical pain would never end and days where I am uplifted and carried. Days more recently have brought me to my knees in pain and exhaustion. That combo is my mortal enemy. I try to do the things I know I need to do but all the while I am breaking with each step I take. It's hour by hour. Task by task. But this day, mercifully has brought some helpful knowledge, a plan and reassurance. It has also brought me one of my most unique experiences to date. All I can say is that I am blown away at what my body has to say. I mean really has to say. She is honest and she does not hold back, my body that is. I love her. She is bold. She said it straight. I like her. There are things my spirit needs to address and then my body will follow in it's healing. Things I have let go and things that I need to start accepting, like unconditional love. Wow. Deep. Not to mention the fact that angels are around me and are literally touching and healing my heart as I type this. I am in a place that I did not know I could be. I am thankful that this day was not as painful or as exhausting. I do know that I am being looked after here and there. There is beauty in this struggle. It is in the pain of absolute devastation and in the way I am picked up after. It is in the mornings that I can get out of bed and do what needs to be done. It is in the joy of seeing the sun peaking over the mountains. It is in the kind voices of family, doctors, healers, spirits, and HIM. It is in the really wonderful times dancing in the kitchen. All of it is beauty. I am listening to myself. She is a good egg. She needs to be heard.

Water

Water is healing. Water is healing. I knew where I needed to go. I started filling the tub with hot water. I poured too much coconut bubble bath in the water. I needed the lovely smell and the sweet bubbles. The sound of the water hitting the tub instantly calmed me and soon I was sitting in the delicious water. The moment my skin touched the hot water I felt warm deep down to my bones. I love that first wonderful dip when you get goose bumps and a big sigh escapes your lips. The water was consuming me and I let it. I laid down and put my head and ears under the water. The world vanished. It was just the water and me. My mind full of what if's and what now's slowed. I stayed and stayed. I love the water. The sound. The change you feel when you are done. The feel. My heart needed to say a few things. I was carrying around too much. So I talked and cried to people that are no longer here. They listened and understood. I needed their help. Prayers are humbling and always being said in my heart. The water was drained, clean clothes put on, and people kissed goodnight. I drifted off feeling warm and feeling that I had my answer to that prayer in the water.

The first

This is beautiful. I curled up on my mom's couch with a blanket and a little dog that would visit just long enough to lick my ears and nose. I listened to the conversations around me. Those familiar voices. My family. My husband, daughter, sisters, brother, mom, sister-in-law, Dear W, Dear C, and little Lola.  Those threads of conversations and connections must be brilliant shades of life. We have something that is unyielding to the world. We are deep rooted. I love listening to the laughing and the hushed tones. Maddie was presented with a pile of dresses from me and my sister's teenage years. She found a red number that made her twirl and sparkle. We gasped and smiled. She is growing up. She is lovely. We watched the Oscars. We all love the movies and we love to get lost in them. Our favorite Aussie did not win for best actor, but we could hardly argue with Mr. Lincoln. When it was time to go, we were hugged and kissed. The ride was cold. We listened to music and I watched the world go by. The yellow lines on the road, the snowy mountains bathed and lit up by the moon, and the city lights. My bed was perfect. I did not feel perfect, but that is ok. I have had a hard time lately with physical challenges. It has effected my mood, but tonight are times when I can look around and know that I am a lucky one. These nights are simple and perfect.