Chaos

Warm soapy water thudding into the tub and the heat pushing me down. I was cold and in need of a distraction. When I feel like this I often end up in the tub. I looked at my feet and my black polished nails under the water. That's me. Those are mine. The thoughts that are mine are calm and crazy at the same time. Soaking in the tub I thought of all the relaxing sounds I could. Water is my first. A journey started in my mind. Snowshoeing on a fluff, the only sounds are the ones you make. There was a hike I took recently it allowed me to fall into a rhythm listening to my own shoes, soft wind, and birds in the distance. I even saw deer but I could only imagine the noise they made. Sometimes you can only hear the blood pumping, keeping you alive. Your breath another reminder of life. In a week I will be standing at the ocean listening to the deafening crash of the waves. It is needed. I can imagine feeling comfortably numb to any worry, any thought of pain. At night when my house is in it's slumber and I am the last one drifting off, I listen. Soft breathing of sleep is beside me under cover of night. Even the darkness brings a silence. I check to hear other sleeping sounds and when I am content that all is well, I surrender to the cloud of blankets and pillows. I find myself longing for silence in my head. It is unbearably full of chaos/love/heaven/hell/hope/despair at any given moment. I feel everything. Sometimes I say I wish I didn't care so much but that would not be me. I think it would be even more heartbreaking. I want to stop trying to change myself or feel ashamed for feeling so many feelings. It is what makes us feel alive. Life is all of it. I need to stop railing so hard against my feelings and just let them come. They will not destroy me. Maybe then I will feel freedom in my breath and wind in my heart.

Dimensions

I have to write this post before it doesn't seem real. We spent another week in the dimension that is Bear Lake. At least that's the way it feels when we are there, like another dimension. The air is thick with promise there. One night as we drove back to the cabin, there was a thunderstorm. Sparks of light filled the sky and made the dark clouds glow. Our eyes glued to the sky, nothing was pulling us away. I spend so much of my time with my face to the clouds anyway. I looked at the sky a lot on this trip. We would lay on the beach, listening to music that made the changing clouds dance. Blue sky and blue water, it was like looking into infinity. No end and no beginning, just dimensions melting together. My darlings were all around me. I could hear parts of their conversations and other times I was part of them. One afternoon we went on the boat and stopped to swim in the clear blue water. One by one we jumped in. The water cooled us. The sun warmed us. Rocking in the boat while we listened to music soothed us. A few days later I went for a swim from shore. My body moved through the water and I felt it on each part of me. It moved against my skin, with my skin, and over my skin. My head was the only thing above water. My feet were planted in the soft sand. I could clearly see my whole body. As I turned my head to look out across the water, I let the water into my heart. Lapping waves made me bob up and down. Water is in my soul. There it will stay, right next to the sky. At night when we stood on the sand and our faces searched the heavens, I could breathe deeper. Stars speak to you. That dimension of soft velvet night that captures everything. Waves are the only thing you hear. My heart desires the capture of night, the darkness. Soon, my love, the moon hung in the velvet and moved across the night. In the light of day as I was walking back to the cabin after a long walk, I started to get closer to the cabin. The road was familiar and it started to bend towards the cabin although I could not see it yet. At that bend, I had the distinct feeling that this is what it will be like when I go to that next dimension, when I pass from this life. My eyes welled up with love. It would be just like this. Walking on a familiar road home, around the bend as you wait to see your home come into view. As the cabin came into view, I cried with love. It was a homecoming. As I got closer, I could hear my family inside making breakfast. I stopped and listened. Laughter, delicious smells, Lola barking at me, and the voices of the people that make my heart beat. They were waiting for me. I knew as soon as I stepped in I would be greeted with love. I took a moment to gather my thoughts. I looked into the cabin and it was like looking into infinity. No ending and no beginning, just dimensions melting together. I stepped in and I was home.

New

Overload today. My heart can't take anymore. The world feels on fire. Something happened today that I thought was so out of reach, but it happened. I cried along with my loved ones, tears of relief. No shame in crying. It was like letting out a long breath, a long sigh of relief that was being held for years. A new path can begin today. This heavy burden is gone. Good things do happen. Such a mix of emotions today that just swirled and swirled in me. I could barely eat, so I forced some syrupy pancakes in my mouth. We felt like electric currents were in our bellies even with the good news. I guess that is how you feel when you carry something for so long and when it's done your feelings don't know quite where to land. That will be part of the new path, finding places for the feelings you thought were gone and letting go of the lead balloon. Today is our 10 year Wedding Anniversary, it mixed and swirled with today's events in a way that I will never forget. We are here together, always together. That will never change. The Sun and the Moon. Yesterday we celebrated in the mountains. Things were carefully packed in our small truck. We set up in a remote place. Soon a fire was crackling and I wandered around gathering wildflowers. I held a butterfly on my finger and named him Peter. After dinner we ended up in the hammock in silence that can only be held by love. We listened to the life around us. Birds, chipmunks and the sway of the wind. A perfect moment. On the way out on the rocky road, we chased the full moon. I grabbed his hand and told him thank you. Thank you for all of it.

Blue

I traveled home in July. I spent 5 days there. Growing up in this family, this place is your home. There is no real way to explain this to someone who hasn't spent every summer of their life here. It's part of who we are, deep down. Something that will never leave you because it shaped part of you. For me it has been the most consistent place I have ever known. Roots and love. I feel proud of the million summers I spent with the sun on my face and the blue water in my eyes. Before us, our parents and Grandparents played here. The black and white pictures of sailboats and a life that looked like it came off the page of a magazine. Then we came and we grew in that sun and water. It was the very life blood of summer. Games of dress up, hours in the blue water, the loft, four wheelers, boats on strings, campfires, and the whole family. Waking up was the best, the smell of breakfast cooking and always the sound of jet skiers. Walking into the front room as the sight of that blue water would hit you is something that will never lose it's magic. My childhood was cemented here, never to be torn away. Now I am bringing my child here. She has spent every summer of her life here. That binds us tighter. She grew in the sun and water also. That will never leave her. It is her home too. From Grandma and Grandpa to my Dad and his siblings, to my cousins, now to the Great Grand Children. All the laughter, secrets, sleeping, playing, eating, living, belonging, praying, bonding, and growing. That is all forever inside those walls, sand, water, sun, sky. It's all there. It's all with us as well. No other place will ever compare because it's not just a cabin, it's something there are no words for. If I have to explain it to you, you will never understand. There are those of you who know and that is what is the most magic about it.

IN

"I am gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist, I am gonna swing from the chandelier" That chorus is swimming in my mind. Life has been coming in, I have my arms open. In my mind I feel a change. There is more room for all that I am seeing. The things I am seeing are glorious. The things I am feeling are even better. Times late at night when all the lights are out, I feel so alive. I smiled outside and deep inside. Tears rolled down my face from all my emotions. It was electric. I felt wild and beautiful. Outside is where I have been. I let my eyes swallow all they can, it saturates my heart and becomes part of my soul. Green trees, jade water, clear water, colorful flowers, sky, sun, moon, and clouds. Oh the clouds...I stop and stare, I fall in love with them everyday. A couple of days ago T and I went on a hike. We walked through Aspens and Pines. Along the way were lovely flowers of every color. As we walked we laughed. Our hike opened up into a large meadow bowl surrounded by mountains. The sight made me stop dead in my tracks. My heart sent a thankful prayer. It was perfect. I did a headstand so I could touch the sky with my feet while watching the mountains upside down. In my headstand I let out a pure joy laugh again and again. On the way back I had a moment that I felt wild and beautiful again and then I kissed T in the rain. More and more I let everything amaze me and take root in me. As I have been doing this, I have noticed that I am much happier. Just the other night I was standing in my kitchen in T's shirt, making him a lunch and the biggest smile grew on my face. Happy. So I continue to open my heart to life and I am seeing the real things that actually matter. 

OPEN

Up and down and in between. That has been my life lately. Summer is on our doorstep and it feels promising. There has been a knot in my chest. The other day it unwound a little when I turned the music up loud and danced with my sister and daughter. We sang songs over and over. It unwound a little when I sat on top of my brother's RV and looked at the beauty in front of me. Also when we walked through the Aspens and when we watched the beavers building stuff. This evening I went on a bike ride around my neighborhood, the knot loosened. This summer I want to unravel the knot completely. After my bike ride, I sat on my grass and watched the clouds. They changed from white to pink and purple. The birds were out singing. The wind slipped across my face. My feet planted into the cool grass. I did a few headstands, my legs high above me in the air. There was freedom in my breath. I took deep inhalations and asked for the energy of the clouds and sky. I need to let myself feel everything, mostly happiness. Walls need to be broken. Wild and free. Let the world amaze me. Let myself feel it. Open heart, wild heart, free heart.

Moonlight

Here.  I am here in bed. Moonlight drifting in the window. The night before it was a full moon. When I came to bed that night I opened the blinds and laid my head where my feet should be so I could gaze into the full moon. I willed the moonlight to heal my troubled mind. Thoughts left my mind and new ones returned. One theme stayed the same. Disconnect. Miscommunication. What is it about those words that gets so mixed up? Why can't we just understand what someone else is trying to say? In a world of smoke and mirrors you only have a few true rocks. I carry too many things with me. Some days I think I care too much and others I don't care enough. It's mostly caring too much that gets me into trouble. Over thinking is hurting me. It's keeping me in one place. Sometimes the miscommunication is so deep that it causes physical pain and second guessing things you thought were real. There are days when I am sure no one understands anything I say. So I am here again tonight with the moon, willing it to heal my heart this time. When the morning comes I will have more clarity. Less anger. The moonlight straight to my heart ought to do the trick.