Hearts

This is my heart. This is her heart. This is his heart. This is our heart.  My heart runs backwards. There is Teflon in my heart, it's function is to keep things from sticking, keep them moving. My heart keeps people and feelings, it sucks them up. Sometimes I am not always good at keeping away the things that are not good for my heart. It's a funny thing sometimes, the heart. The anatomical heart and the heart shaped one. We say things like heartbroken and I love you with all my heart. It's a romantic thing that the heart is linked to our feelings. Beautiful. Full of love. Full of life blood. Keeping you alive for love. Full beautifully full. I love my own heart. It is mine and I have never felt betrayed by it. When I see something lovely, hear some melody that carries me, or when I lay in bed and feel content, I feel it all in my heart. My heart is full. My heart has scar tissue, real and from life events. I wear this proudly. I imagine these intense colored threads coming out of my heart and connecting to my T and his heart. No matter where we are those threads are connected. I must have a million threads connecting me to people, places, sounds, experiences, Bear lake, the Pacific ocean, dreams, heaven and love, love, love.  I believe without any doubt that these connections of the heart are what I am here to experience. No matter what I go through, it all comes down to love. Everything. So this life is hard, so this life is amazing. I just want it all.

The lucky ones

I bought pinwheels and peeps at the store yesterday. I have a hard time leaving the pinwheels there. They are so happy. Spring is starting to warm my bones and thaw my heart. This time of year I feel spontaneous and inspired. Last week I took a day trip to the desert. We drove out in the sage brushes. We got out and let our legs carry us over the rocks. The wind whipped my face and the sun ignited all that I could see. I stood and looked out over the land. It was stunning. I was floored, much like I always am. Being outside reminds me of how small we are and how lucky we are to see this. The slopes, the wind, history around us, the shockingly bright blue birds, and the thrill of taking it all in. My brain juggles around all of the ideas I have about spring. For this family it means day trips south to soak in the red sand. It means exercise and fresh air. It means no clocks and no rules. It means going out with a blanket and flying kites. It means coming home from these adventures tired, wind whipped, sun kissed and perfectly happy. There have been recent events that have made me feel reflective and grateful. Even more I realize that we truly just have this moment, this second. I kiss him a lot more and check on her more often. I am trying to live in the moment. Life is crazy beautiful. My heart is broken for some and more understanding for others. The saying about enjoying the journey as much as the destination keeps popping in my head. I think this is brilliant. Maybe this could be the new motto? No matter where you are, what stage of life, problems, anything, living in the moment could be extremely helpful.  Soak everything in.


"Tomorrow way too far away
  And we cant get back yesterday
  But we young right now
  We got right now
   So get up right now
   Cause all we got is right now!"

Home sick

I am home sick. Last night as I was getting dressed for bed I had an intense feeling of missing my home in Pleasant Grove. I missed my bathroom. It hit me like the Surfliner in Carlsbad. We do have a home that we live in. It's warm and lovely and it has the most amazing view of Utah lake and the valley at night. But still...it's not my home. We have left our safety net in search of something a little bigger with a back yard full of sun and good times with the family. The economy prevented us from selling our home, which I am actually thankful for. My home is still mine. I could go back if I wanted to. Some days I miss it desperately. I miss the wind blowing my curtains while I made dinner, the peaceful routine we had of coming home from school and work. I would make a yummy dinner while Maddie did homework. We had family over weekly. It was the spot to hang out and talk. On summer nights the family would come over for dinner and then we would all walk around the neighborhood back to the garden. The sun would be setting over our hard work. Some of us would ride bikes and longboards around and around, taking turns. It was pure bliss. I loved walking at sunset to see the pinks and purples dazzling the sky. The clouds changing and calling me. There were countless hours spent laughing and watching the latest movie. It was a true home in every sense of the word. How could we leave that? Is this why I am having the most stressful time in a decade? What is happening to me? We wanted to see what else was waiting for us by making the move. It has been more than I bargained for. We have moved twice in 4 months. Now I am trying my hardest to make things happen for us, to achieve the goal we set out for, a new place to call our own. A place to make memories, to call our family over again and again to share our home.  I have to look forward to this. I have to make it happen. So I guess combining the moves, the health issues that are making me insane, it would only make sense for me to feel so low right now. Home is really where your heart is. I believe that everyone needs a space that is their own to grow and feel security. Where you can do as you please and come and go whenever you feel. I want our next place to be our sanctuary. Somewhere we can sleep without a care and where I can watch my curtains blow again while I make dinner. Home is vital to the heart. It means more to me than I can say. I never took our home in Pleasant Grove for granted, never. But when we get to a new home I will be that much more grateful for the freedom your very own place brings.

You can't handle the truth.....

Some people don't like the truth when it's ugly. They want it to be nice and sweet. But the truth is not always perfect. It's messy, complicated, and hard. I tried to see the truth. I failed. It was not at all what I thought. As I am writing tonight, it's my mind that is hurting. I don't see my self very clearly. In good ways and bad ways. Today the line screaming in my head is "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!"in Jack Nicholson's voice. I think this about my self and people around me. I could not look people in the face today. Not even when I visited my mom's. I could not face my self in her eye's. I felt like a monster. I am mean. I am snappy. I need to change my attitude. But where to start is the real question. How does one go about doing that? This question is puzzling me. Do you find some book to tell you to be nice and behave? Do you fake it? Do you just stop telling people your feelings? I do know that I can not stand to become one of those people who will tell you they are perfectly fine while their house is on fire. There has to be a balance. I don't know where to start. I wish I was better at being positive. I am not doom and gloom but I could do better. Tonight my mind is racing and circling it's self. It's trying to help me and trying to be mad still. I will sleep in my bed, willing my mind to feel better in the morning.

"I am trying hard not to get into trouble, but I have got a war in my mind"