Light

"Can you tell I am faking it, that I want to be my self?" This song is playing in my ear buds as I write this entry. It's late. My family is sleeping.  The house is quiet, but not in my ears. The play list cycles through. Every song makes me feel something true, deep and beautiful. I want to live here for awhile in the peace that music creates. I want it to last. So things have been stressful. Anxiety is stalking me. It keeps me from my life. It steals my light. Today should have been a great day but I woke up knowing how it would be. "How could you be so low, swinging after the bell and after all of the whistles blow, trying to go below the belt, through my chest, perfect hit to the dome....dammit babe" That lyric has been floating in my head a lot. TKO. Ya, that's it. I left my "perfect day" and came home. Sometimes it feels like an unfair fight. Most of the time I can fight back, it was not that way today or the past three days. I needed to write this today. I looked at my self in the mirror. I saw scared eyes, tired eyes. Immediately I knew that music and writing was the answer for that moment. I was a little adult as a child. I worried more than I should have as a teenager. I think too much.  Little blonde, big blue eyed, wise beyond my years kid standing in the hall before open heart surgery in a nightgown. That is a real picture that exists. I feel like that tonight. Heavy, weighed down with so many things. It's as I am writing this that I realize, I just want to unload. It needs to be lighter. I need to be lighter. My thoughts need to be lighter. "Don't make me sad, don't make me cry, sometimes love is not enough, the road gets tough.. I don't know why, keep making me laugh, let's go get high, the road is long, we can be young, try to have some fun in the meantime, come take a walk on the wild side, let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls insane." She is singing sweetly in my ear, Lana. I need to ask myself to be lighthearted more. Stop thinking so much. Stop carrying so much. In the words of my favorite song "Every little thing is gonna be alright."

Honest

It's evening, I am sitting on my velveteen couch watching the pink light dance on Timp. My heart is lighter today. This time of night is my favorite. It means my family is home. It means dinner together. It means a calm night with my loves. Yesterday started great. T and I wandered up A.F. Canyon, armed with lunch, binoculars, frosty Cherry Coke, and the need to escape for a bit. As we drove up the winding road, I watched the jagged mountains appear. The trees were in a beautiful lifeless state. We talked about the summer fun that we would have in our Canyon. The pine trees that filled in the mountain were covered in snow and I spent time feeling their energy. It was cold and perfect. We made our way to the little blue lake. Lunch was lovely. On the way down we stopped to walk along the river. Branches cracked under our feet and I felt like I was miles away from anything. The river was flowing and making it's magical sound. I let it's sound take root in my heart. Water has such a pull on my heart. I find it fascinating and moving. It speaks to me. We finally made it home and found ourselves in need of a rare nap. Our room was filled with soft afternoon light and our white bedding was peaceful. We slipped easily into sleep laying next to each other. I could leave the story there and make it pretty but the truth is I woke up with some crazy anxiety. That is a beast that I battle every day. This was a strange anxiety, my face was tingling and I was dizzy. I felt off. I made dinner but after I just wanted to cry, and so I did. M heard me and made me a bed on the couch. She got my pillow, blanket, my book, and a fresh glass of water. I stayed on the couch for the rest of the night. I vowed that tomorrow would be better and it has been. Anxiety is a beast. I am trying to deal with it better but some days are harder than others. That's the truth. It's my truth. So while I didn't have a perfect day, I had an honest day and it was good.

Story

What is your story? This question is simple and hard. I am still rolling it around in my head. I want to know many stories from many people. Our stories, experiences, trials, triumphs, pain, joy, alone, together, where you came from, how it molded you, your choices, things that were not your choice, fate, luck, higher power, kindness shown, unkindness, and love in all forms. I am thinking of a project to gather these stories because I believe that stories are magic. It's who we are. So for now, I am going to be writing my story. My truth.

Problem/Triumph

My arms stretched and my legs balanced my body. I bent into another shape and let out a long breath. Yoga was connecting me to myself this morning. My mind shifted and shifted around again. I was restless. He could tell I was steaming. He took me to the mountains. Outside the air was alive. The sky was the blue that you dream about. Way off in the distance the clouds lined up end upon puffy end.  My angry mind began to lose it's flame. Feet to dirt, blood pumping, thumping chest, eyes searching. A rhythm was born. This hike would not have been possible a year ago. I thought of my body, my spirit and my journey. Tears came with a triumphant smile. Yes, I could do this hike now. I thanked God, my body, heart, spirit, and the guy hiking along side me. The forever patient man who saw me through. Birds fluttered about us. A mother deer and her babies watched us. The sun, oh the glorious sun washed over my face. How I needed the glow it brought to my soul. We fell into a silent pace back to the truck. My mind was a little more settled but I still had a problem bouncing around. When we found ourselves back home I could feel my problem following me. The truth is, it has been for some time now. I wrestle and fight this almost daily. It causes me anxiety on top of anxiety. This problem can not continue for one more day. I could feel myself slipping into a hole that is so deep it scares me. Pulling back from the edge takes skill and guidance. Luckily I had both tonight. After the house was settled into a slumber, I found my patient man. We had the conversation I needed. It pulled me back. I resolved to be better. I vowed to gather myself up for the fight ahead of me. It was all going to be alright. So now I find myself exhausted and hopeful at the same time. The bed is calling me, the sanctuary it provides. So with a hopeful heart that I can make another journey that will be hard, I am climbing into bed. I can do hard things. I have done hard things.


                          "We made it out to the other side, we can escape to the great sunshine"