Moments

My eyes were so heavy this morning. Without opening my eyes I knew it was overcast outside. That was ok with me. As I pulled myself out of bed, my blood started to pump harder and my heavy eyes opened slowly. I had a lot to get done today, so it seemed logical to play some music to get me going. I love loud music with beautiful lyrics and a beat to dance to.  The first song that played on my stereo was Happy by Pharrell. "Because I am happy" moved me along.  While I did yoga I watched the snow blowing off the top of Timp. It looked magic, a perfect flowing moment. I have been trying to practice being in the moment, being present. Yoga has helped me. I love it. It takes patience. It has calmed my thoughts and calmed my heart. As my day went on I continued to listen to music. My songs played, I would sing along, move my body to the beat, and feel it inspire me. For a while now Lana Del Rey has been such a love of mine. Her music is hard to describe but it speaks deeply to me. Her lyrics are heaven and hell, beauty and pain. My heart and head were light. My girl came home from school and off we went to get a birthday present for a friend and flowers for the house. Deep purple carnations called my name, so into the cart they went. We found ourselves getting some delicious curly fries. We ate them on the way home as we listened to a local radio station. Silence between us but music in the air. Another perfect flowing moment. I love these moments, these everyday life moments. This is what our life is made of. Tonight I had a lovely moment eating a Cadbury egg, it was perfect.

Vanished

Bitter and sweet. Sweet and bitter. I have found my self around family a lot. So many beautiful people, stories, and roots. It's amazing really. They are mine and I am theirs. That is beautiful. So why do I feel so bittersweet at times? Is it the realness and the truth in our mixed stories? Is it some of the thoughts I have that I can't even say out loud about the home that was but then disappeared? Or the pain behind the reason for the home that vanished? I drove past one of the house's I lived in as a child, it had been bulldozed, like it never existed. It was a real life visual of my feelings. I thought to myself "Was it real? Did that life happen?" It must have, I guess. The other night I got to spend time with some of my female relatives. There is something perfect about being together eating and creating. We cooed over the darling baby boy and cooed at the stout dog. On my drive home I felt sweet and bitter. Crazy how they go together some days. Home provided a refuge for me. Hugs and a cold drink of water, followed by a steaming bath. I curled in my bed. My thoughts started to get softer and fuzzy. Though I may never fully heal from my vanished home, I will always have a home that I created inside me to keep me safe on these bittersweet days. 

Wave

I was feeling crushed and stale by the time I left on our trip to Carlsbad. The pull of the ocean is like gravity. I can feel the waves like my own heart beat, even 800 miles away. There is history in this trip. My Grandparents started going every year. This trip was my Grandma's 27 year going on this adventure.  We piled into our favorite "Drof" and off we went. The road is pure freedom. I watched out the window as the sun set over the mountains and my mind started to get lost in the possibilities of this trip. My Dad, Step Mom, Sister, little Lola, and my Maddie were my companions. Music filled the car along with deep laughs. We found ourselves on the Vegas strip at 1 a.m. driving up and down. The neon was consuming and crazy. The next morning we set out on the final leg of our journey. I could feel the ocean getting closer. My frantic mind started to slow down. I could feel the sun warming me back to life and then I found myself standing on the beach. I am always amazed by the ocean. It lights  me and humbles me at the same time. It is like home. It is like nothing I have ever known. Maddie runs back and forth, completely at ease with the water. Over the next 7 days we spend time with my Grandma and my Aunts and Uncles. I love to sit and listen to the conversations around me and I find myself thinking about how incredibly lucky I am to spend time with my extended family. The fact is that we see each other much more than most families and I adore it. Maddie gets to be with her Mom, Aunt, Grandpa, Grandma, Great-Grandma, Great Aunts and Great Uncles on this trip. At one point on our trip my Grandma said to me that she loves to have her family together and have fun. That is all she wanted from this trip. I am sure that was accomplished. This vacation always strengthens me. It brings me a certain fuel that I can not find here. I would often talk to the ocean and ask it to send some of it's strength with me. I asked it for peace and I asked it for love. It heals me. On the last night, I asked my Dad if he would walk down to the beach with me. We walked down the stairs and onto the sand. The moon was bright and we were the only ones there. The waves were loud and beautiful. The tide was high and the wind was blowing my wet hair around my head. I could feel the ocean taking it's place inside my heart and spreading. A weight moved from my head. I smiled and felt free. My Dad and I talked and when we walked back to the Hotel I hugged him hard. I thanked him because it meant so much to me that he would walk down to the beach with me. He has taught me to love adventure. Many times on this trip I would connect deeply with different family members. There were a few times when I saw my Grandma doing something so sweet, I couldn't help but try and memorize it. The time she sat swirling her feet in the sand, when she wore a sombrero at dinner and sipped her fancy drink, and the time she hugged me and told me she loved me before I was born. Sharing this adventure with Maddie is my favorite. She is lovely. How could I not love this trip? On the day we left, I took my bike on a ride around the block. It was short and sweet but it gave me the biggest smile. On our journey home I could feel my other home getting closer, my Husband. Heartstrings that connect us, pulled us together like gravity. My heart was filled again with love, peace, and strength the moment I was in his arms.

Simple

Hello, I have not been here for a while. Things, like usual are on my mind. The shower I just took calmed me and soothed my heart. Showers always do. This day has been a beautiful mix.  When my eyes opened, I lay in my white blanket, the soft sun pouring in the window. I steadied my mind. Only positive today. My home was quiet with traces of life from the early morning. Coffee lingering in the air, toaster still plugged in, and M's perfume filling my lungs. I move from room to room, opening blinds, folding blankets, chasing stray cups into the sink. The sight that is outside my window takes my breath away everyday. My charming Timp. It stands watch. I did yoga towards the watch tower and I walked in the sun after. Then lunch and looking for Valentines Day frills. The rest of my day moved quickly. I finally found myself back at home with my darlings. The way the light hits Timp at sunset is complete magic. Staring is often what I do because if I blink the light is gone. There is homework being done and a Jazz game in the other room. On this day I feel fortunate for my life. These simple and beautiful days are the kind I love.