Let it go

I have been wanting to write this for a few days. I need to get it out. Let it go. I have some letting go to do. I like to think that I can let things bounce off me, but I am really not that good sometimes. The art of deflecting the negative is something I need to work on.  My heart is on my sleeve, though I wonder if that is a good place for it. Maybe it needs to be frozen. It's either hot or cold with me, I have no in between. That is a fault of mine. Where is that middle line where I can just put up a shield and save my feelings from being hurt? I am working on it. So for now I realize that some people just want you to be a certain way and it really gets them twisted when you are not. There is a part of my life that is over. It can not be rescued. It was fatally injured, but I am somehow certain that it was always destined to play out this way. Relief is the honest emotion I feel. The weight of it has almost been lifted, only not all the way. It is not that I am trying to fix the damage but that I am wanting to seal my self from further damage. Events keep happening that hurl objects of damage at my shield. My first instinct is to fight and stick up for myself. That drains my energy and focus. The other instinct is to become cold and unfeeling. That is not my normal self. See, it's either hot or cold. Still there is another path, let it go. Move on.  Live your life. Be you. This is the path I must chose. I have to turn away from the damage and keep my head up. There will always be a fire burning in that direction that I leave behind but I will no longer try to stop it. I am strong enough to shield the heat. There was no way to save it, no different ending. It was bound for this. So here I am, ready to finally stop worrying. Enough. I don't have to explain anything, ever again. Breathe in new, breathe out old. Gone. Let it go.

Soak it in

The lake, the valley, the mountains, the heat. On the morning of the one year anniversary of my pacemaker surgery I woke up, brushed my teeth, looked out the window at the blue lake, and then my tears started to flow. They were unexpected. Bittersweet tears. The last year of my life has been hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was tested brutally. The tears were a mix of triumph and sadness. I had made it through. A phone call to my Mom gave me so much comfort. I have learned many things over the last year but none more than to live in the moment. This has been my challenge to myself. Be present. Love it. So everyday I try to savor each moment. I think I have been doing really good. These are some of my favorite moments: yesterday when my sister and I layed in bed to take a nap and kicked our feet around in the blankets and giggled, checking on Maddie every night, looking at the faces of my loved ones as we watched Dad and Kris get married in front of the Tetons, watching my Dad dance with Maddie in her Converse high tops that night, hopping on the back of a 4 wheeler with my husband and driving to the top of a mountain all while loving the feel of the sun on our faces, drinking that first dirty coke and everyone after, taking an impromptu walk on a trail that was over run with water, eating dinner on the deck everynight with the red and white checked tablecloth, hearing the law mowers, walking and walking and walking and feeling my heart pound, cloud gazing, oh the cloud gazing, laying in the backyard in the grass with my husband which turned into a game of me throwing peach pits at him, watching a dancing horse in Park City and letting him make me cry, going to the movie with my family and holding hands with my sister and my husband cause it was that intense, really looking at nature and being awestruck everytime, riding a chairlift up a glorious mountain, spending the night in a fancy hotel with fancy robes that we wore to the hot tub, laughing with Maddie in the car about absolutly nothing, sleeping over at my Mom's house and watching Gladitor, making cookies with little Kate, snuggling Lola, doing sparklers on the 4th of July with lots of friends, going on a bike ride with my husband that was way to hard for me and watching him push both bikes home for us and his total patience, knowing that my husband is the exact man that I need to be with, swimming in Bear Lake with my husband, swimming in Bear Lake with my Dad and him towing my around on his back like I was five, watching fireworks sitting next to Grandma Chapman and every time she saw one she liked she would lift and point both of her legs in excitement, singing in the car with Maddie, telling her that I love her with all my Mommy heart, my Dad everything about him, when I think of my life the tears of gratitude that come to my eyes . I have found so many amazing moments that most people just gloss over. I consider my self lucky. I intend to keep taking my opportunities and living in the moment. At the end of my life I want to be so soaked up with all of my life moments that no one will be able to lift me up and they will say "She lived in each moment! She cherished her time here!!"

Perception

Perception.  Needs. Wants. Desires. Passions. Love. Outside the wind was blowing hard, the clouds rolled in and I could see their deep colors. They called me outside. I stood on the deck and let my eyes relax. Undulating black, blue, pink, gray, and white were in front of me. I reached for them, they were so close. As I watched each cloud changed and spiraled. Each change it made was lovely. The color changed slightly every time. One cloud looked like it was a stairway ascending up. Others looked like wings. As I stood outside gazing at the clouds and letting my hair whip about, I felt a sense of familiarity, smallness, bigness, everything in the universe. I thought about how much we change over a lifetime. Slightly sometimes and other times we completely shift. Marvelous. If I could watch myself as a cloud, what would I see? I feel like I have been too hard on myself. I need to see the subtle changes better. Sometimes we can see the complete shifts in ourselves. I need better perception of these changes. I want to be better in tune with my self, my family, our earth, and each other. Trust your gut and let the clouds call to you.

 

250,000 miles on a clear night in June..

I think I lived in my car for the month of June. Macy made a second home in the back seat. June brought a few surprises and many beautiful outings. A long Bear Lake trip, 3 weddings, and a girls trip to St. George. It was busy and chaotic but it was lovely. I love my family. Seriously I adore them. We started off at our beloved Bear Lake for a week. The car was loaded down with girls, swim suits, books, birthday presents, and Lola. Pulling into the driveway of the cabin has an instant nostalgic  calming effect that is one of the best feelings in the world. Opening the door and smelling the familiar cabin is the next best feeling in the world. We unpacked and settled in for a week of laughing, sunbathing, paddle boarding  eating, staying up really late, listening to frogs, wondering how many people had stayed at the cabin over the years, having birthday cake, hot tubing, and feeling our roots growing deeper into Bear Lake. I can't put into words how much I love Bear Lake. I grew up there. Every summer of my life. It is as much a part of me as breathing. I believe that it is magic for children. Cut to a week later and we were all packing up for quick trip to Jackson. This one was going to be fun. This was a special trip. A trip that we needed to dress up for. Cowboy boots, check! We made it to these adorable little cabins by the Snake River. Our moods were upbeat and lifted on this occasion  We were only missing one sweet girl. As we climbed the trail and looked out over the Tetons we knew it was going to be perfect. I can't give it away here but it was such a happy day. The next day was spent at the Oxbow in tall grass lounging and eating old lady lunches. The Tetons are insanely spectacular. There is a reverence there, silence. We made a mad dash for Bear Lake and face planted into the beds to sleep. Home was were we recovered for a few hours, washed clothes, slept overnight and woke up to a new adventure. Maddie was off to Arizona to see her lovely family and Macy, my Mom, and I were off to St. George for a girls trip. The girls needed this trip. It refreshed us. Renewed our spirits. We took long dips in the pool and then sunned ourselves. Macy, Lola and I slept in a big white puffy bed. We would whisper at night about our lives. I love that we can be close and do that. I love that she is my friend and she gets me. My Mom and I had fun giggling in the pool to the point of tears. She is so wonderful. We got to have some really great girl time. Nothing to do but talk and swim. My Mom is the most loving person I know. She amazes me. We got to visit Aunt Kate, Uncle Spence and little Walter. This was a real treat. Kate is amazing. She is vibrant and full of life. I admire her and how she just lives her life the way she wants to. She made us delicious food and took us to get the pie of a life time. On the last night we were there, we sat outside in her back yard with the dogs and slices of rhubarb pie. The four of us talked about lots of things like dogs, Grandma and Grandpa, fake people who really hit a nerve with us, and love. There was something happening that night. My sister and I felt it strongly. We hugged Kate goodbye, I even got out for a second hug. I watched Kate and my Mom say goodbye through tears. Later Macy and I talked about what a special night it was. We cried together. I knew that I was loved beyond measure. It was glorious. We jet seted home to a wedding reception complete with a croquet match and dutch oven food. Then it was off to Bear Lake for a wedding. The circus sized tent, mason jars with flowers, and mood lighting was perfect. It was a sweet wedding. We spent the next two days playing. Trent was goofing off with the boys riding whiskey barrels, jumping of the diving board, and playing mumbly peg with my Dad. Ya that happened. Then for some reason I decided that I wanted to swim in the lake...and if you know me at all this is a shocker because I am a baby about the cold water. Boy was it a really great choice. I loved it. I swam in that blue water. I lived in the moment. The best part of all those crazy trips was when Trent and I sat in the lounge chair that Saturday night and watched the lighting across the lake. We wrapped up together, it was dark, we could hear the frogs and the loud waves crashing on the beach. The lighting would dazzle the sky and we were content. We saw a shooting star and made a wish. I felt so peaceful. My heart was full. My mind was quiet. Our hearts were together. It centered me to be with him, and all I could think of was how happy things were in that very moment.

"I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon and I'm aiming right at you
  250,000 miles on a clear night in June and I'm aiming right at you, right at you"