Chaos

Warm soapy water thudding into the tub and the heat pushing me down. I was cold and in need of a distraction. When I feel like this I often end up in the tub. I looked at my feet and my black polished nails under the water. That's me. Those are mine. The thoughts that are mine are calm and crazy at the same time. Soaking in the tub I thought of all the relaxing sounds I could. Water is my first. A journey started in my mind. Snowshoeing on a fluff, the only sounds are the ones you make. There was a hike I took recently it allowed me to fall into a rhythm listening to my own shoes, soft wind, and birds in the distance. I even saw deer but I could only imagine the noise they made. Sometimes you can only hear the blood pumping, keeping you alive. Your breath another reminder of life. In a week I will be standing at the ocean listening to the deafening crash of the waves. It is needed. I can imagine feeling comfortably numb to any worry, any thought of pain. At night when my house is in it's slumber and I am the last one drifting off, I listen. Soft breathing of sleep is beside me under cover of night. Even the darkness brings a silence. I check to hear other sleeping sounds and when I am content that all is well, I surrender to the cloud of blankets and pillows. I find myself longing for silence in my head. It is unbearably full of chaos/love/heaven/hell/hope/despair at any given moment. I feel everything. Sometimes I say I wish I didn't care so much but that would not be me. I think it would be even more heartbreaking. I want to stop trying to change myself or feel ashamed for feeling so many feelings. It is what makes us feel alive. Life is all of it. I need to stop railing so hard against my feelings and just let them come. They will not destroy me. Maybe then I will feel freedom in my breath and wind in my heart.