Light

"Can you tell I am faking it, that I want to be my self?" This song is playing in my ear buds as I write this entry. It's late. My family is sleeping.  The house is quiet, but not in my ears. The play list cycles through. Every song makes me feel something true, deep and beautiful. I want to live here for awhile in the peace that music creates. I want it to last. So things have been stressful. Anxiety is stalking me. It keeps me from my life. It steals my light. Today should have been a great day but I woke up knowing how it would be. "How could you be so low, swinging after the bell and after all of the whistles blow, trying to go below the belt, through my chest, perfect hit to the dome....dammit babe" That lyric has been floating in my head a lot. TKO. Ya, that's it. I left my "perfect day" and came home. Sometimes it feels like an unfair fight. Most of the time I can fight back, it was not that way today or the past three days. I needed to write this today. I looked at my self in the mirror. I saw scared eyes, tired eyes. Immediately I knew that music and writing was the answer for that moment. I was a little adult as a child. I worried more than I should have as a teenager. I think too much.  Little blonde, big blue eyed, wise beyond my years kid standing in the hall before open heart surgery in a nightgown. That is a real picture that exists. I feel like that tonight. Heavy, weighed down with so many things. It's as I am writing this that I realize, I just want to unload. It needs to be lighter. I need to be lighter. My thoughts need to be lighter. "Don't make me sad, don't make me cry, sometimes love is not enough, the road gets tough.. I don't know why, keep making me laugh, let's go get high, the road is long, we can be young, try to have some fun in the meantime, come take a walk on the wild side, let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls insane." She is singing sweetly in my ear, Lana. I need to ask myself to be lighthearted more. Stop thinking so much. Stop carrying so much. In the words of my favorite song "Every little thing is gonna be alright."