Lost and found

I am in bed, fluffy pillows, soft blankets covering me and my husband snoring softly.  Lately I have been waking up with crushing anxiety that grips my heart so violently I think it might burst. What is happening? Close ones around me feel this way too. My thoughts are all jumbled up. Who am I? What am I doing? It's like every once in awhile, I lose my self. Last night I had a heartbreaking moment where I just wanted to be home as a child with my parents. The feeling consumed me and I cried. It lasted only for a flash. In my search for myself, I made a list of the things I would like to do. Goals, wants, needs. As I wrote, I could see myself again but slightly changed. Pushing past my fears and limits that I think I have is one of the things I wrote down. How many of us have these imagined limits? I know that I do. I have discovered something about myself. I do not like to be told what to do. I question people who are so in shock of how I live. It makes me defensive. I will not bow down. That could be a bad thing or a good thing. There are so many things that I want to be a part of, experience, do, hear, and see. Is it so much to ask myself for these things? No. This is what life is. Finding yourself, losing yourself over and over again. It is what changes us and strengthens us. It hurts us and heals us. I need to open myself to these moments of losing and finding myself. Instead of fearing my loss, I could look at it as an opportunity to gain something I did not have before. It's all in my hands. So many parts make me. So many shades. I am loving, thoughtful, careful, overly protective, mean, cold, selfish, grumpy, happy, committed, loyal, rude, snappy, and grateful. My experiences have helped me grow skin and armor, or lack of. They have seeded my heart with wild love and contentment. They have shown me heartbreak so deep that everything I thought was real started to crack. They have given me absolute, pure, and profound rapture. Maybe every time I feel that I am losing myself, it's the universe's way to get me to look around and take stock in my beautiful life. It is beautiful.