Brave

My watch tower is in front of me with light dancing on it's face. Birds are singing near and far. It's sunset and I am sitting on my porch taking it in. Smell of spring every now and again. When I write I find out what I really want to say in the process. Today has been kind and generous. A flowing day but in my heart and mind I feel turbulent. I have decided that I need to write out everything that is making me feel wounded. I won't do it here. I am not ready. We all have feelings that are too volatile, too raw. There are times that I feel a little lost, like there is something deeper I am missing. All my life I have felt like things that other people do, rules, life events, and circumstances were never meant for me. It's like I have have always known that. My life is different. I am different. Is something waiting for me? Is there something I have yet to discover? Is there something coming to me? Am I too old not to know these things? There is something lovely about the unknown and something completely maddening about it. I drive myself crazy with these thoughts. The juxtaposition of my heart puzzles me. Some days are so wonderful that I am frightened that it could all slip away and other days are terrifying to live through. So what is it? It's both. It's always been both. In my last post I talked about how much I worry. This is exhausting. There is a part of me that craves freedom and lightheartedness. I see myself with short wind swept hair in the sun smiling. No shoes and the sun warming my soul. I feel the lightness that I imagine riding a surfboard must feel like. Nirvana in my heart. The feeling I get when I listen to Bob Marley's Natural Mystic. That song is absolute freedom to me. That is where I want my mind to be. As I write this I know that I want a release all the time because my mind never stops. I also know that I am scared on those days that are amazing because my mind won't let me fully enjoy it. Brave is what I need to be. To look at the good days and just go deeper in them. Tell my mind to love it just like my heart does. To look at the bad days and tell my mind and heart to hold on, that we will make it. I want to seek out the beautiful colors of this life. More. More. Different. Wild. Freedom. Light. Dark. Heart. Soul. Touching. Mine. Mine. Deep. Perfect. Messy. Proud. Love.